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The Role of Alcohol in Career Advancement (or How ANYONE Can Drink Their Way To The Top!)
I saw recently over at Punny Money an article about drinking to get ahead.
The truth is that alcohol plays a big part in career advancement whether we like it or not. To get ahead, you’ve got to be social, go to social events (where alcohol is undoubtedly served), and drink socially with the people in charge of your career.
Can’t hold your liquor? Don’t drink? Then you’re at a disadvantage, however there is still hope. Allow me to help you understand the whole “drink your way to the top” phenomenon and help those of you who are teetotalers keep up.
WHY BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR BOSS
As Nick put it in his post:
One of the many benefits of being in my company’s fast-track leadership program is that there’s no shortage of social events at which alcohol is served. And every so often, that alcohol is provided free of charge and in seemingly endless supply. I just returned home from such an event, and I’m 100% serious about the solution proposed above [Trying to drink them under the table.]
And I personally know of (and have worked for on at least 1 occasion) managers that will get you sloshed to find out what is really going on in your head. And then use it against you.
Let me be honest, I don’t really know why drinking is so important to getting ahead. I can guarantee you that it is, but for those of you who “need a why”, here are my best theories:
- Nobody Wants To Drink Alone - And, since your boss’ boss is drinking, your boss is drinking. And if he’s drinking, he wants you to drink. The reasons behind this, I think, are directly related to the next item:
- Nobody Wants To Be Judged - While most of the stigma of drinking is gone, there is still a perceived judgment by nondrinkers on drinkers. That makes folks uncomfortable, which means “there’s something off about him…” And that is a ticket straight to NoPromotionville.
- In Vino Veritas - For those of you who didn’t study your Latin, that means “In Wine, there is Truth”. In other words, everybody has a mask on to some extent at the office. Chances are, if you start drinking, you’ll loosen up, and your boss will see the real you. The good news is that if he likes the “real you”, you’re golden. But if he doesn’t…..
- They Want To Make Sure You Don’t Do Something Stupid - As you rise within your company, you’re going to have lots of opportunities, internally and externally, to be social. With alcohol. And if you become a raving lunatic (or table dancer) when you get a little sloshed, you will certainly embarrass the company at some external event. Consider these internal social events your test.
- One Of The Last Tests of True Manhood Left - Since your company can’t (legally) pierce you, tattoo you, or cut parts off of you, drinking is one of the last tests of true manhood left. I can tell you that for certain, among men, there is an attitude that if you can drink a little and not act stupid, then you’re not a real man. Many in management believe this and want to see if you’re worthy of moving up in the world.
There. Feel better? Now you might know why. But more importantly is how.
HOW A NON-DRINKER CAN GET BY IN AN ALCOHOL-SOAKED ENVIRONMENT
Let’s start with the non-drinkers. If you don’t drink, you really have two choices. Fake It or Lie About It.
If you choose to fake it, you will be pretending to drink without actually drinking. The downside to this is that you will eventually be caught unless you always leave early. Even the most drunk fellow can tell after awhile that you haven’t been drinking all night.
That leaves “Lie About It”. I don’t like this option, but I tell it to you as a way to continue your non-drinking ways. To lie about it gives you the only good answer to whoever offers to get you a drink or says, “C’Mon! Man up!” when you order something non-alcoholic.
That one and only one acceptable answer is something to the effect of “I’m on the wagon.” I don’t care if you actually are in AA or not, but as far as your co-workers are concerned, you are.
The reason that this is the only acceptable answer is that you get the social / advancement points for being a drunk and some extra points for taking it so far that you had to get help, so it’s okay for you to not drink now.
Nobody will ever suspect that you’re actually not a “recovering alcoholic” since a good 25% of the people at the party have probably been through “the program” before. And another good 25% will be there shortly.
HOW TO DRINK EVERYONE UNDER THE TABLE WITHOUT THE ANNOYING ALCOHOL POISONING
Now, for those of you who drink, but don’t like getting totally, out-of-control drunk (or get there quite easily).
These super-secret, patent-pending tricks are the best possible way to stay drinking with the crowd, but not get fall down drunk.
STEP 1: PRACTICE - There are all sorts of studies saying a glass or two of wine a day are good for you. Take ‘em up on that. Start drinking a glass or two of wine every night. If it starts to get expensive, buy your wine in a large box. It’s just as alcoholic AND has the same health benefits as the high priced stuff.
The idea here is that you will do all sorts of good things at the same time: improve your health, build up your alcohol resistance, keep American wineries in business, and support the poor (illegal) immigrant picking grapes. Don’t you feel better about yourself?
STEP 2: DRINK LESS - While this seems obvious, the real question is how you drink less. The first way, no matter what option you choose below, is to pace yourself. Take sips, drink slowly, and pick someone to pace yourself against. If you have one drink for every two of your boss’, you’ll be fine.
After that, here’s how to thin out the alcohol a little more:
BEER: If you’re drinking beer, start by drinking the beer with the least alcohol. Here’s a handy chart that you can refer to.
If the bar has O’Doul’s (non-alcoholic) beer, drink that. If course, you may want to wait until you’re a little drunk to do so. That way you won’t wince every time you taste that vile brew. Nobody said getting ahead was easy.
If that’s not available, get used to asking for Yuengling Light (Japanese Beer), Weinhard’s Amber Light, Schlitz Light, Old Milwaukee Light, Miller Light or Genuine Draft Light, Michelob Ultra or Golden Draft Light, Coors Light, Busch Light, Bud Light or Ice Light.
WINE: You can’t fake it with wine unless you get a really dark red or a darker white and have the bartender water it down. The bartender will not be surprised at this request, though he may make a face at you. Better him than the boss.
MIXED DRINKS: This is the holy grail for lightweight drinkers. If you do the right mixed drinks, nobody will ever know that you’re drinking less heavily than others.
With dark mixed drinks (usually anything mixed with Coke), you can trade off. Have one mixed drink with alcohol and then one without (as you can’t tell the difference visually). If you pace your drinking with your boss, you’ll be half as drunk as he. This way you get the “benefits” of alcohol entering your system without getting slobbering drunk.
With light mixed drinks, thin with water. If martini’s are the drink of choice, for example, have the bartender keep everything except the major alcohol (gin, vodka, whatever) and replace that with water. You’ll still have alcohol entering your system through the vermouth (which has a lower alcohol content), but it’ll be a lot less!
STEP 3: THE DECEPTION - Most magic (and marketing) tricks are done by deception. That is, they encourage you to believe one thing when, really, another thing is true. For instance, going back to the beer section above, Anheuser Busch spends a lot of money showing people how much O’Doul’s looks like real beer…
In any case, there are a few different methods of deception. Use as many as you need:
THE SWITCHEROO - When you first get to the social event and are around everyone, order your mixed drink (or whatever you’ll be faking it with) loudly and clearly, so that your boss can hear what you’re ordering. The best time to do this is when your boss is ordering a refill.
After this drink, either use “The Waiter”, below, or go to the bar and order your own drinks with less - or no - alcohol. Everyone will assume that you’ve kept on drinking the full octane drink you started with when you’re drinking nothing but Coke.
You need to be sure to switch back every now and again to reaffirm this belief (again, ordering a disinfectant-level drink so that others can hear you) and to get at least some alcohol in your system.
THE WAITER - If you’re in a situation where you’re being served by a single waiter / waitress and won’t have the option of going to the bar to get your own, or if you’re just lazy, this is the one for you.
Go to the bathroom and corner your waiter where you can’t be seen. Give him $20 and tell him that whenever you order your drink, whatever it is, he needs to deliver a virgin drink instead. If need be, explain how your boss is a heavy drinker and you can’t keep up without doing something stupid, so you need the waiter’s help keeping it your secret. Usually, the $20 will do the trick, though.
Now, whenever you order another Rum & Coke, he’ll just be delivering the Coke.
THE POLITICIAN - I read this secret technique in a book where a politician tells how to “work a room”. Simply have your glass filled halfway. For him, that allowed him to talk to one group for awhile, finish his drink, and excuse himself to get another (and go talk to another group of people).
For you, it helps you drink less and look like you’re drinking more.
The combination of all of the above techniques should help you drink less and get ahead. And I know that the fact that you “have” to do all of this bugs you. It bugs me, too (which is why I don’t work in corporate America anymore).
However, if you still want to be in corporate America, this is the price of admission at most large companies. I’m just here to help you get through it. When you’ve risen to the top, in addition to sending me some of that $10 mil salary, you can change the whole “drinking culture” thing.
Until then, good luck!
Enjoy the Search
-Dan
—–
Daniel R. Sweet
Owner / Author / Chief Cook-And-Bottle-Washer
FRACAT.com - Free Resume and Career Toolbox
LinkedIn Profile: https://www.linkedin.com/in/danielrsweet
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March 15th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Whoops! I’ve been busted as a teetotaler!
John Wonders, a LinkedIn contact of mine, pointed out that Yuengling is not a Japanese beer, as I had thought for all these years, but in fact is the oldest American brewery.
That’s okay - I wasn’t really drinking beer anyway. I’m still working on my invention comprised of enough Yellow No.5 dye to look like beer plus some Alka Seltzer mixed in to give it a head.
When I perfect it I’ll be a millionaire! MUHAHAHA! (Yes, I’m just ignoring that little voice that is saying, “…but, people like to drink!”)
Dan
March 16th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Dan,
Glad to help. And I am one of those people that like to drink, beer anyway. I like to think of myself as a bit of a beer connoisseur. Although there is so much to learn, so many beers to taste and so little time. But I digress.
Back to the topic at hand; great post and, if you ask me from some of my own personal experiences, you are spot on. I actually had a boss, way back in the military, who openly commented that he could never trust a man that wouldn’t drink with him. The trick as you mentioned is to maintain control.
Another good thing to try would be the buddy. But make sure the person you choose to watch your back is someone that you can really trust to do that. Otherwise you may find yourself in far worse shape than if you had just gone it alone. Luckily, this advice comes from second hand knowledge and not personal experience.
Of course, if you have to pretend to be something that you’re not, maybe you should re-evaluate whether that is the correct career path.
Cheers, with whatever it is that you prefer to drink!
John W.
And that invention idea is puuuuure genius!
March 27th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Interesting.